polkadotdrugs' Journal

10:55am: i got attached, and now i'm losing my friends because he wants to be THISCLOSE all the fucking time.

how do i let him down, tell him i need space/time and that i'm too independent for what he wants?

i don't want to lose him but i can't keep him the way he is now.

10:50am: SUNDAY MAY 3rd BUDGET:

money spent on food: $3.47
money spent on alcohol: $58.36
money spent on cocaine: $90


drinking for 10 hours
on a sunday night
with 6 friends...


worth it.

9:02pm: i did coke for the first time last weekend. i did a little bump on friday, a few lines on saturday, and a gram on sunday. and now i'm sick; i have a cough, i'm congested, i can't think and i just want more. jake says it's cause there was too much meth. what a fucking trip. i still go to work to make money, because in the back of my head i know that after rent and food (do i need food?) i just want to buy drugs. i am capable of staying up until 3am and then going to work at 430am and school until 7pm on that drug and it blows my fucking mind.

but when i'm high, it intensifies my abandonment issues. friday night, jasmine left me and went with jake to a bar (that bitch, he's mine) and i got so depressed. after two bottles of champagne and a bottle of gin i got in my car and drove, and was going to go to the beach alone but quincy & justin made me get them. and then they were loud, and quincy kept trying to hug me, but i couldn't get out of my own mind. for two hours i walked on the beach, freezing cold, and kept thinking "what am i doing with my life?" but i couldn't cry. the tears were right there, but my body wasn't functioning - i can't be vulnerable. i hate showing emotion.

but that's where i am right now. what am i doing with my life? throwing away my education or just playing around on the side? we'll see.

10:28am: all my boys get black eyes/see black skies
don't know how to live or how to die
pills everyday, every way, they can't say/no
to the thizz in their life
and they cry and fight
and they just don't try
to get out of the hood mentality
guns, drugs, sluts/it's their reality
the intelligence is wasted/henny tasted
cobra ruining the chance at tracing
fine lines in the skies with your eyes
finding things to do/how to do you
instead of doing what you're told to
by your friends/even when/it's the end
and you're dead

7:23pm: Now that it's so easily accessible, I do it 2 or 3 times a week. It really just depends what my days off are. Even though i'm in a dysfunctional haze because it's obliterating my brain cells, I still love it... I love being relaxed and that rush, and knowing life can be that good. I spent four hours last night next to jake and jasmine, and people would walk by and put their hand on my heart because it was pumping so loud. Jake's hand would find my hand and we lay there just in awe of our own lives; the life within us.

9:50am: I'm vegan but I want some pie. I want some reality pie, and some humble pie, and some tangible pie so good that it hurts to eat. Everything in my life just seems so blurred, like it's rushing by and all I'm left with are little trails of green and yellow and black and ghosts of the emotions I felt for a split second before I had to move on to something else. I'm not a fan of routine; in fact I'm obsessed with spontaneity and shaking shit up, but sometimes life has to be stirred too! I don't even do hard drugs, but I'm smoking and drinking almost on a daily basis and I've begun to do it alone. I also felt extremely socially awkward last night in a room full of former friends, and that just dropped me another level. I am not a depressed person. I am actually insanely happy all the fucking time and it's so easy for me to put on a happy face when that's the thing I hate the most; when people put on facades and pretend to be things they aren't. Albeit that's part of life, and working in customer service I experience that to its fullest, but I think being so hypocritical is poking little holes into my heart and one day blood is going to spurt into my chest and surround all my internal organs. When it drips out of my mouth and my ears, maybe that will be a sign that I've had enough.

9:46am: i think i'm losing my passion. i love writing...loved writing. and now, with extensive classes to learn about what i can and can't write, and how to write, and when and about whom, and the legality of what i'll be writing and how to avoid jail... the actual writing is fading into the background. all i write now are things to help me study, and notes, and half-assed case studies. i'm tired of learned everything about writing, i just want to write.

10:18am: I only roll once a year, and last night was AMAZING.

12:47am: quickie update:

i'm vegan.
i work in a coffee shop near the fillmore, which is amazing.
i technically go to school full time, but realistically like twice a week.

on the VEGANISM: it's cause i was bored. whenever my life gets too routine i usually find ways to screw it up, so this time i decided to take on something interesting and somewhat beneficial. i still advocate eating animals, and i didn't do it for any health reasons - i was just fucking bored.

12:28pm: i just realized that most of my friends have extremely different beliefs than i do. i think it's because i love to question things, and solidify my personal beliefs based on defending them. i don't surf, yet my best friend in southern california is a surfer with a million tattoos who listens to rap nonstop. i'm not religious, yet my roommate (by choice) attends christian church, reads her bible, and is also convinced she's jewish. i always make friends with people who have different backgrounds, and different perspectives on life. i hate people that look up to me; i always encourage my little brother to make his own decisions and do what makes him happy regardless of what i think. i don't want to be "right" most of the time; i like to debate with people and try to understand things from another point of view. if you read the same books as i do, listen to the same music and have the same ideals - great; but i don't want to be your friend. how boring would that be if we agreed on everything?

9:18pm: it's just so hard, sometimes, to see what's in the future when the past has gotten you so unsettled. ignoring that constant ripple of discomfort in your stomach and looking at the ceiling when your eyes start to water can only be your façade for so long. shaky hands and a voice that trembles isn't something you've had to worry about before, but now it overpowers every other aspect of your appearance.

i sit at my computer after i wake up, and wonder why i keep missing the keys when i'm typing; i realize my hands can't hold still. i try to verbalize how i feel and end up with something haggard and inconclusive at best, which is embarrassing for someone so opinionated and passionate. i spend hours zoning out and smoking pot, something i do rarely - and i crave alcohol to feel normal regardless of the fact that i know its effects tend to make me less steady. the infinite possibilities of what could happen outweigh what has happened exponentially, and yet i'm scared and not reassured. i need infinity like oxygen but its existence is like a constant pressure on my entire body, i couldn't live if everything was about now and nothing would last.

my body may be mortal but we are definitely eternal, and that keeps me going.

10:15pm: the thought to begin and end all thoughts today is that i get to go home in two days.

it goes like this:

"i get to go home in two days" i thought as i made some random combination of fruit into a smoothie for some obnoxiously broke college student. "strawberries are so much better in southern california," i said to myself, knowing it's true because i spent 17 years of my damn life eating them from all over america and canada, and have determined san diego's to only be seconded by northern oregon. talking to my boss as she so unprofessionally walked out on me, i wonder "where do hell do san franciscans get the right to be so rude and righteous?" it has plagued me that the freedom in northern california is only tainted by the elitist attitudes of ninety percent of the people up here. i miss the beach, and the easy going attitude that characterizes the city i was born in and continue to return to. and this completes the circle, reintroducing me to the epiphany that "i get to go home in two days."

1:42pm: she just got paid, and she's already being extravagant. manis, pedis, dresses and makeup. if she wants to move in with me when i'm ready to, she's going to need to be a penny pincher for a few months... and i feel as though she's failing miserably. i hate it, but i think the right thing to do is let her dig her own grave. when may/june rolls around, if she hasn't saved a sufficient amount for me to be comfortable living with her, it's gonna be her damn fault.

11:31pm: so maybe three or four times a week, i really really crave a cigarette. unfortunately my roommate is so extreme that she would get angry with me for bringing that smell into the house. honestly, i feel like i'm living with my mother on occasion - she bitches about cleaning, about making noise, about drinking, about smoking. i love her because of her intelligence and her principles, but it just kills me when she acts so high maintenance. if i want a damn cigarette, i don't want to deal with scolding and high school dirty looks!

5:59pm: i am so tired of putting effort into friendships that feel entirely one-sided, ( especially )

11:45am: basically, what it comes down to, is that you hooked up with someone my best friend has had a thing with for over 6 months. you are my best friend as well, but what is to keep you from hooking up with someone i'm involved with? the fact that you disrespected her caused me to lose a good amount of respect for you.

9:29am: sometimes, while i'm sitting in class or in bed listening to music, i can feel anger welling up inside me. i can feel hate trying to escape - verbally or physically, and i don't understand.

i almost always says what i'm feeling, so i'm not one of those people that stereotypically lets things well up inside them. i don't hold it in when i'm feeling animosity; if it's toward someone i tell them - and if it's about something bigger than that, i vent to someone. i have my life generally in order; maybe i'm not actually organized but i go to class, do my homework, go to work, go out.. i have school, work, and my social life in balance. i don't really desire more or less of any of those things.

could i be angry because i'm routine, now? i always wanted to change, to be changed - i never really let things become my status quo; i'm more dynamic than that. maybe the desire for nothing static has left me with only static elements; too much change and i'm all change-d out.

i don't particularly believe in violence, but that doesn't mean i've never been violent - just like i don't think prejudice is morally right but it doesn't mean i don't stereotype. maybe my hatred is more internal than anything else; i know i'm flawed and sometimes i just can't handle being as fallible as i am.

10:52pm: most people without significant others HATE HATE HATE tomorrow. you know what? i had resolved a long time ago that i was going to celebrate LOVE; all kinds and types of love, not just love between lovers, hence my slogan for today and the name of tomorrow's mix: lover ≠ lovers. goddamnit though, i just can't do what i try and do sometimes. i'm kind, and happy, and positive, but the universe just seems aligned against me.

jasmine is being totally unreliable, dramatic, immature, passive aggressive, i could go ON AND ON. i am supposed to live with her in 6 months, but if this were happening at home i would cut her off with no objections whatsoever. we might be really good friends, but i've been through ENOUGH SHIT to know that i don't need any of this in my life!! i am so positive and happy most of the time and then sometimes people i'm insanely close to are assholes and it totally throws me for a loop. i want to let it go so badly, but i can't - i would feel guilty for not giving her another chance, even though it's gotta be her 5th or 6th by now. my dad didn't try and get me back when i cut him off, and now i can't cut people off that are bad for me because i don't think they'll try to get me back at all. if my dad didn't, then why would they?? i want to solve my own problems, but i just can't mend this right now.

9:31am: i hate crushes. not only having them, but all facets of "a crush" in its entirety. i think it is so juvenile to like someone from afar without knowing anything reasonable about them. maybe you have one conversation, one shared look or smile, but you really don't know anything worth truly admiring about them. to me it just seems another aspect of shallow america; liking someone based on such superficial things. and to like someone based on the music they like - well, that's the worst. melody and lyrics and instruments all squished together to make a song that may be the most beautiful thing either of you have ever heard is not a legitimate connection. it will not last, and you both most likely have extremely different views about the bands you love.

i stay away from crushing at all costs. i refuse to call people "hot" casually, or flirt incessantly like 95% of my friends. i have genuinely liked people after months and months of friendship and conversation, but i try my hardest not to get involved in crushes. i hate the feeling of floating, of helplessness involved in liking someone who has no idea that you want to spend every minute of every day learning about them and breathing them in. when you see them it's like your heart bursts, even if it's just a glance or a conversation, and then when they leave the room or even just your line of sight - it's like a wet blanket draped across your shoulders encompassing the world. you can't move, and all you want is to run after them, or have them come back to you.

i definitely have a crush, and it makes me dissapointed in myself. i work with him at a job i just started a week ago, and already i hold my breath when checking the schedule; crossing my fingers that we work together even though i know we have opposite schedules. everything i do, every time i leave the house, i wonder if i'll see him - maybe on campus, downtown, at a coffee shop or a show. either way i feel pathetic and oh-so human.

9:38pm: i am so tired of elitist music listeners.

"oh you only have that album?"
"oh... you only know the popular songs."
"their earlier stuff was way better but it's totally obscure."
"what do you think of the 4th track on the second EP?"

OH MY GOD.
so what if i only like one song, or one album, or if i only like the bass riff.
sooo whaaat if i heard them only when they became popular.

appreciation for a band or song or style is not objective!!
if i like it, i like it. thee ennd. no one can tell me i'm undeserving of listening to it.

12:35pm: i have a friend named wes. he's young (legal, but young) and kind of naive, but he's also experienced in life. he's been homeless, living in abandoned buildings, sleeping on the bus, etc. he drinks a lot, smokes when he can afford it, and now works two jobs (7 days a week) to afford his own apartment, groceries, and gas.

yesterday he told me he heard & saw shadow people at work.

i have no doubt that he's smoked enough laced weed and drank enough alcohol to have permanently changed the structure of his brain, but this ... this scares me. he's so emotionally strong and driven; so talented musically, i don't want to see paranoia or anxiety destroying his life. i don't know how he can handle it, and yet he does. only in the quiet times we're just sitting around, being lazy, does he let me in on the fact that he is really going through so much more than shows. what the fuck am i supposed to do?

11:55pm: southern california is not meant for this much rain. the streets with dips now have puddles that swallow my whole car, and cause SUVs to hydroplane into oncoming traffic. the wind howls so much i fear that a tree will obliterate my house/car/loved ones. armageddon or global warming; either way i'm fucking scared.

12:15am: so the one completely undramatic friend i have [that's a girl] decided to be dramatic today. she yelled at me until i gave in, and now i can't believe she did that. i don't want to see her for a little while because it makes me kind of want to puke to think how selfish she was, and [trying] to be mature i told her to give it a week or so and then i'll call her. now, apparently, i'm the immature one & i don't know what real friendship is.

she was my fucking rock.

also - it's supposed to rain 5" tonight; FYI our annual rainfall is usually about 3".
i'm pretty damn sure it's armageddon... or the weather is very in tune with my emotions.

9:01pm: when my brother and i have disagreements, i sit and talk to him and tell him my honest beliefs, and he doesn't listen. he begins to yell, and interrupt, and act irrational, and i am so afraid he's going to turn out just like my dad.

11:56pm: disclaimer of sorts
i already went through the phase where i let people manipulate & overpower me.

i'm stubborn, intelligent, and extremely principled.

don't try to argue with me if your weapons are mangled cuss words and threats;
i will not be intimidated easily,
and you will be offended when i bluntly tell you are not getting your point across.